Breaking News: Michael Jackson Found Dead in London

No, not that Michael Jackson. This Michael Jackson was to beer as that Michael Jackson was to child molesting pop music. Americans take note, whether you know it or not, if it wasn't for this guy you'd probably still be drinking Miller from a can. So this labor day weekend, hoist a mug of Chimay or Corsendonk or any fine Belgian Trappist Ale for The Beer Hunter.

Why do Republicans Hate Boobies?

Women's breasts have been under attack by republicans in the past few years. First John Ashcroft covered statues of bare breasted amazon women in the Justice department. Then the FCC and congress practically exploded when Janet Jackson flashed her metal-clad ta-ta at the superbowl halftime show. And now news comes to the surface that Tommy Thompson has been subverting a push to increase breastfeeding. In another glaring example of a member of the republican party who has put the good of a corporate lobby ahead of the good of our people, former presidential candidate Tommy Thompson has been caught sucking at the teat of the infant formula lobby and at their request toned down ads promoting breast feeding despite the proven fact that it is healthier for our children than artificial canned formula. In an attempt to raise the nation's historically low rate of breast-feeding, federal health officials commissioned an attention-grabbing advertising campaign a few years ago to convince mothers that their babies faced real health risks if they did not breast-feed. It featured striking photos of insulin syringes and asthma inhalers topped with rubber nipples. Plans to run these blunt ads infuriated the politically powerful infant formula industry, which hired a former chairman of the Republican National Committee and a former top regulatory official to lobby the Health and Human Services Department. Not long afterward, department political appointees toned down the campaign... The formula industry's intervention -- which did not block the ads but helped change their content -- is being scrutinized by Congress in the wake of last month's testimony by former surgeon general Richard H. Carmona that the Bush administration repeatedly allowed political considerations to interfere with his efforts to promote public health. [full story] Freud would have a field day with these people. There must be some deep rooted issues they have with their mommies to make them so anti-breast. And the irony is that while they don't want children suckling from their mothers when there's perfectly good corporate product to be sold, they can't seem to wait to suckle each other off in a public men's room somewhere.

When Will They Ever Learn?

I haven't been in a very good mood this August. Things have not been going particularly well for me these last few weeks and I'm about on the verge of snapping and going all Tyler Durden on the world. But I'm not quite ready to start an army of chaos quite yet, so instead I've been finding myself getting my aggression out on various right wingers. I've just got zero tolerance right now for their bullshit. These people continue to support a president who has flushed thousands of American lives down the toilet in order to prove his manliness to his daddy who was a real man. And since they don't have a single real justifiable defense for him, instead they attack his critics with poor logic, bad innuendo, false analogy, irrelevant obsession with Bill Clinton and his penis, or just telling us to shut up and leave the country if we don't like it. I'm tired of being overly harsh on bloggers who I disagree with but still like as people, so I'm going to take out tonights anger on an old whipping boy of mine, Mr. Tired of All the Liberal Rhetoric Out There. This guy is a tad unhinged and we've gone at it before (and and). I would think after the extensive verbal smackdown I laid on this keyboard commando that he'd know better than to try to argue one of my comments via email again. But apparently not. He had some post about supporting the troops by writing them a letter. I think it's kind of lame for people who demand that our troops continue risking their lives in a war that we have no business fighting in the first place to think that sending these people a letter (not even treats? WTF!) is support. Sending letters and goodies is nice, and I'm by no means saying that people shouldn't do that. REAL support of these troops would be to not let another single drop of their blood hit the ground in Iraq. But sending them stuff while demanding they continue to put their lives on the line for George Bush's lies is a slap in their faces. So here's the volley of email that followed: Robert Garding to me 4:45 pm (4 hours ago) I guess that you haven't heard, but the troops over there want to be there....they volunteered. What part of Volunteer don't you liberals understand? At least they know what needs to be done. I just hope and pray that you people do not get what you want, because if you do, then all their valient sacrifices will be for naught....which would be a real sad waste of human lives. -Robert- "If we cease to be a nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." -President Ronald Reagan- Jason Buckley to Robert 5:34 pm (3 hours ago) How many fucking times do I have to tell you I have no interest in having a private debate with you? Robert Garding to me 6:07 pm (2½ hours ago) Wasn't debating. Just stating fact. Don't worry...won't make you declare yourself winner in yourown mind again.....Using words like the "f" word only proves your wrong... -Robert- Jason Buckley to Robert 7:12 pm (1½ hours ago) Wrong answer Robert Garding to me 7:30 pm (1 hour ago) No....right answer....wrong thinking on your part. Jason Buckley to Robert 8:00 pm (51 minutes ago) By all means, keep going with this. My readers could use another laugh at your expense. Yeah I know, I wasn't particularly nice, but I have told this guy not to bother me by email. It's bad blogging etiquette, and that's what comments are for. And if I wasn't already pissed off, I probably wouldn't have even responded. But now that it's all out in the open, let's just go ahead and tear that reply to shreds in 5 sentences! The fact that these people volunteered to join the military does not mean that they signed on to have their lives used frivolously. It is the very definition of bravery that these people are willing to put their lives on the line for our country, which makes it all that much more reprehensible that Bush would just tell a bunch of lies to put them in harm's way. And even more reprehensible are these armchair generals who demand that they keep putting their lives on the line for these lies and then cast aspersions on those of us who don't want to waste another single one of their lives for no damn good reason. Robert, you are an accessory to the murder of our troops, but what do you care? This is just more of that liberal rhetoric that you're so damn tired of. Anyone else want to piss me off right now?

This is Too Much Fun!

Is there anything quite as entertaining to a progressive humorist like myself as when some staunchly conservative guy who has made a career out of bashing gays gets shot out of the closet faster than a gerbil out of Richard Gere? Before we look into the sordid sleaze that Senator Larry Craig has been getting himself into over the years, we should examine his voting record to properly put this into context: * Voted YES on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006) * Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002) * Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000) * Voted YES on prohibiting same-sex marriage. (Sep 1996) * Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. (Sep 1996) Oh Larry-boy, methinks you protest too much! There's been talk about you since the page scandal in the 80's. You issued a denial without your name even being mentioned. And then there was the recent Union Station restroom incident. Do you remember this guy? "Upon walking into Union Station one day, I made eye contact with a well-dressed older gentleman whom I recognized as Sen. Craig. We, after having made eye contact for 30 seconds or so, we began walking towards one of the restrooms in Union Station. "I followed him in there. We went to the urinals, where we both unzipped ... "The restroom became busy, too busy to do anything. So we zipped up and then followed each other to the second restroom in Union Station, where we began the same process. And had a -- I also performed fellatio for a very, very short amount of time, as that restroom became busy as well. At that point we both zipped up and left and went on our separate ways. "Walking time included I would say maybe three minutes, four minutes. Not very long." [full story] Three minutes? Come on, Larry! You can do better than that. I guess that once you had the taste in your mouth for sex in the bathrooms of transportation hubs, you had to move up from trains to planes and go for it in an airport bathroom. But as Wonkette pointed out, you missed all the warning signs. And look how quickly your friends have abandoned you. Hannity wants you to resign. Drudge made three, count them three jokes at your expense in his headlines, and even the Idaho Values Alliance wants you to go away (though they blame your problems on liberals like me making fun of your hypocritical ass). You must be feeling a lot like Vito Spatafore right about now (making Mitt Romney be Tony with the head of the NRSC being Phil Leotardo). Except instead of running off to hook up with a short order cook in New Hampshire, you just held a press conference where you apologized for pleading guilty and blame your problems on the Idaho Statesman, that bastion of the liberal media! Here's Wonkette's rundown of the press conference. I'll update this post with video as soon as it's up. I'd like to wrap this post up by completely defusing the stock republican reply to all of this: Bill Clinton never tried to pass legislation banning heterosexual blowjobs between consenting adults. UPDATE: No video of the press conference yet, but here's some local news guys re-enacting the bathroom scene (SFW): UPDATE 2: Here's video - listen for the few quick heckles at the end.

Wango Tango Indeed

My buddy on the right, JSF, likes to find obscure bloggers or even blog commenters on the left who say something he doesn't like and then uses that as proof that the democratic party is evil for tolerating people with an incredibly loose chain of connection to them saying something that he doesn't like (while ignoring the same from his side). I like a fun game of political blog grab-ass as much as the next guy, so in that spirit, JSF, I demand your immediate condemnation, as an official member of the republican side of the blogoshpere, of The Nuge and some of the other shining examples of your side of the political aisle as found in this blog post. If I'm supposed to defend that supposed institutional antisemitism of the left that apparently exists because there's some pro-Palestinian blogger that JSF REALLY hates who writes on an open blog that supports democrats, I guess this is fair. UPDATED to add: And speaking of political grab-ass games, did you hear the one about the republican Senator busted for lewd conduct in an airport men's room? Somebody call George Michael!

Another One Bites the Dust

How nice was it to wake up this morning to the news that yet another rat has abandoned that sinking pirate ship, the SS Bush? Alberto Gonzalez was quite a man, going from son of a migrant farmer to high level government goon. This is an attorney general who was such a fascist that he made me long for the good old days of John Ashcroft. While Ashcroft was an incredibly creepy ultra-religious censor or sculpted marble breasts who oiled himself up for his swearing in ceremony and who also managed to lose his senate seat to a dead man, when push came to shove he at least seemed to have a small bit of respect for our constitution. For all his "with us or with the terrorists" bluster, he was not going to just follow the orders of the administration if he thought they were going too far (though his line of too far and my line of too far are a tad different to say the very least). And that's why Alberto Gonzalez and another White House goon paid John Ashcroft a visit in the intensive care unit of the hospital to harass him into approving illegal warrentless wire tapping of Americans. What kind of person would do something this reprehensible? The sort that has no respect for life (unless it's a fetus, of course). In Texas, Gonzo was in charge of advising Dumbya on each execution, and Gonzo made sure Bush executed first and asked questions later despite many cases where the evidence was shady, making Bush the executing-est governor ever. He's also the same guy who helped Bush and the gang justify torture. As attorney general, he did next to nothing. Besides going after porn a little bit, he was primarily busy politicizing the Justice Department, firing attorneys who weren't loyal enough to the junta who could help build Karl Rove's wet dream of a permanent republican single party government. So now this poor excuse for a lawyer doesn't have a job. Watch for him to surface again as some south of the border US puppet dictator the next time the CIA can pull off another coup down there. It's really the only job a guy like that is qualified for. He's got the potential to make Pinochet look like Gandhi.

Profiles in Douchebaggery

In 2 blogoffs, while given extremely difficult words like "dichotomy" to blog about, I kept asking for a word that I could write about at great lengths. That word is "douche." Now I'm not talking about the disposable feminine hygiene products with the commercials where the daughter asks the mom if she ever doesn't quite feel (uncomfortable pause) fresh. No, I'm talking about the human equivalent of a disposable piece of plastic used to spray water and fragrances into your private parts. So the two winners of the last two blogoffs, Bella and myself, have decided that this is one subject that really needed further exploration, and have taken it upon ourselves to delve deep into this subject matter. I've known so many douches both in person and in the media that the subject could have a whole blog just dedicated to it (which I may just have to do at some point). But for now, here's a rundown of some really douchey mofos for you. 1) President Doucheface himself, George W. Bush. Besides the fact that he probably cheated his way into the White House, lied us into a war, and played politics with the lives of everyone who has tried to expose him, this miserable piece of shit is right now in the process of trying to take away my daughter's affordable health insurance. 2) Only slightly less douchey than Dumbya, Osama binLaden. If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's religious extremists. This guy has an imaginary friend named Allah who tells him to kill Americans. And he'd be bad enough just for his terrorist attacks, but what makes him even worse than just your garden variety terrorist asshole is that his big terrorist act helped to make my country insane enough to rally behind George Bush, pass the PATRIOT Act, curtail a bunch of our freedoms and go to war with a country that had nothing to do with it all based on lies. If there's one thing worse than a terrorist it's a terrorist who wins and gets away with it. 3) Carl and Marty at SignsAmerica in San Francisco. Most evil boss ever, and his little stooge sales manager. The only thing worse than an angry and abusive little old man with a Napoleon Complex running a business and treating his employees like shit is the one guy there who he gives any respect to throwing everybody else under the bus with him on a regular basis. For more on these jerkoffs, read any of my posts labeled "Job From Hell." 4) Sal "The Stockbroker" Governale. Is he funny? Yes. Is he a douche? Oh yeah! Is his douche-itude what makes him so funny? Most definitely. See also Ralph Cirella. 5) Mel Gibson. Do I really need to elaborate on this one? 6) HolyInstant. As stated with binLaden, one type of people I have very little tolerance for are religious extremists. Another type are right libertarians. I like civil libertarians, but when they try to take those ideas and put them toward corporations and economics, it's downright psycho. Now, mix these two types together and you have the most assaholic blogger on Blog Explosion. Just check out his blogs and you'll see for yourself some serious douchebaggery. So many douches, so little time. But I promise that this will become a regular feature on this blog.

Set Your TiVos!

Ladies and gentlemen, finally one of the great comics of our time is getting his very own HBO special. That's right, I'm talking about none other than Bob Saget! "What," you ask? "You mean the guy from Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos?" The same! While most people who follow the world of comedy know that before Bob started a very long run of annoyingly sweet family friendly TV jobs, he was one of the filthiest, dirtiest, sleaziest comedians out there. And now that he's been off TV for a while, he's back at at. So those of you who are easily offended, be sure not to be watching HBO tomorrow night at 10PM, and also be sure not to watch this following YouTube clip of Bob from The Aristocrats.

Friday Morning Roundup

Paris must be pissed. While she had to spend 20something days in jail for her DUI, her friends are getting off much easier. Lindsay Lohan agreed to serve one day behind bars after pleading guilty to drunken driving and cocaine charges. But that's hard time compared to what fellow bad girl Nicole Richie served for driving under the influence. Richie was released from jail after just 82 minutes Thursday, the same day Lohan copped a plea.[full story] The irony here is that all three celebutards were punished much harder than once certain accessory to an act of treason, Scooter Libby. And between giving us movies like Mean Girls, shows like the Simple Life, and countless tabloid spreads of them drunk in Hollywood sans-panties, I would say that this trio of jailbirds has given more to this country than a guy whose job was Dick Cheney's personal coverup assistant. From the With Enemies Like These Who Needs Friends file, did you hear the one about Karl Rove and Hillary Clinton? Yep, Turdblossom has been tirelessly going after Hillary lately. Is it because he wants her to lose the Democratic nomination? Or is because he knows how hated he is amongst the likely Democratic primary voters that he could give her a boost? And why would he want to give her a boost? Could it be that once her star power fades, there are other candidates who would be far more electable than whoever the republicans throw out there, and could the one he fears the most be John Edwards? Mr. Rove has tried this form of reverse psychology before. As the Los Angeles Times reported Sunday, former Rove associate Matthew Dowd revealed at a 2004 Harvard University conference that Mr. Bush's re-election team went after Sen. John Kerry because they were more afraid of then-Sen. John Edwards.[full story] And just which of the Democratic candidates is running the most Rove-like campaign? Does anybody really think that our former first lady is the type who would put anything like ethics ahead of the grand prize? Lastly on a fun note, we all know that Bob Dylan is a very prolific songwriter, but most don't know just how prolific. Check out this informative video:

Alzheimer's Memory Walk for Charity

I've been taking a lot of sponsored posts lately and many of them have made me feel a little bit dirty. This sponsored post makes up for those as this is something that I can seriously get behind. As many of my regular readers know, I recently lost my grandmother with whom I was very close to Alzheimer's Disease. It was absolutely gut wrenching to see this incredibly smart, strong and witty woman slowly lose her grip on reality. What made it harder was that I live far away and would only see her a couple of times a year and the degrees to which she had slipped got bigger and bigger between visits. While I can't say for sure what it was like for my grandmother to go down this path, I do know that it was absolutely heartbreaking for everyone who loved her to see that happen. But people are working very hard to research a cure for this disease, but that costs a lot of money. Unless you're a biotech scientist, the best way you can help is by helping to raise the money, and the best way you can do that is by becoming a Team Captain in the Memory Walk. This walk is taking place nationwide and so far has raised $225 million since 1989. As a Team Captain in the Memory Walk, it's up to you to recruit members of your team and raise money, so you've got to sign up early (like how about now?).

I Have Another YouTube Stalker!

The democratization of media with cheap consumer electronics and free video hosting sites like YouTube is a blessing and a curse. Now anyone can be the media, and unlike the mainstream media, we content providers can have direct interaction with our fans and our detractors. I have one video on YouTube that has now gotten close to 1.5 million views and people tend to have a very passionate reaction to it. Last winter when they executed Tookie Williams at San Quentin Prison, I thought it would be a good opportunity to take my cameras and document the media circus around this execution and protest. My boss lives right outside the prison gates, giving me a perfect vantage point for this. This is the result of that night. The video in and of itself doesn't really take a side (though that hasn't stopped people from calling me every name in the book just for being there and posting it). Up until that night, I was no fan of the death penalty, but I still thought that there might be certain circumstances where it would be acceptable. Being out there that night pushed me off the fence. It had nothing to do with what any speaker said, but just being outside of a building while the state kills a man had an impact on me. And being the wiseass I am, I have openly and harshly mocked some of the dumber pro-execution comments on that video (and some of them are REALLY dumb!). I've blogged about the last moron who took his anger with me to new and exciting levels by creating some half dozen or so YouTube profiles using my name and saying that I'm gay. The level of stupidity that took was a bit entertaining. But my latest stalker is more annoying than entertaining. This guy insists on continuing an argument that I refuse to have. He seems to think that I'm a hypocrite by being pro-choice and against execution, but he's not a hypocrite by being pro-execution while considering himself to be "pro-life." We had a few barbs back and forth with each other but when he posted a comment on my video from the day that Stella was born, I quickly banned his ass. Kevin Federline may be the worst white rapper ever, but he hit the nail right on the head when he said "you be messin' with my family and ya through!" I don't tolerate that bullshit for a second. So this whiny little punk comes right back minutes later with a new profile bitching and moaning about how I censored him. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa the poor baby thinks it's his right to do whatever he wants on my videos. Wrong! Any rights that anybody has on my videos or my blog or any other bit of the internet that I control are given to them by me and can be taken away at my whim. That said, I don't typically abuse that power, preferring an atmosphere of free speech. I'll usually only delete a comment and ban the user if they use racist language, but sometimes I will hit the delete or ban buttons just if somebody annoys me. And the reaction I get from them over that is the icing on the cake! So this guy keeps on coming back, trying different abortion arguments, getting more and more progressively idiotic about it until ultimately getting himself deleted and banned, and then he comes back whining and crying censorship. I wonder how long I can keep this tool going like this.

Bush vs the Buckley Family Continued

Bush's personal assault on my family continues. As I have posted before, President Asshat, not content just destroying the lives of Iraqis, feels the need to destroy the lives of hard working American families by taking away programs that help us to afford health care for our children. Threatening to veto legislation isn't enough for this corrupt prick either. Now that congress is on vacation , he's taken it upon himself to change the rules without bothering with the inconvenience of running it by the legislative branch. Administration officials outlined the new standards in a letter sent to state health officials on Friday evening, in the middle of a monthlong Congressional recess. In interviews, they said the changes were intended to return the Children’s Health Insurance Program to its original focus on low-income children and to make sure the program did not become a substitute for private health coverage. After learning of the new policy, some state officials said yesterday that it could cripple their efforts to cover more children and would impose standards that could not be met. “We are horrified at the new federal policy,” said Ann Clemency Kohler, deputy commissioner of human services in New Jersey. “It will cause havoc with our program and could jeopardize coverage for thousands of children.” [full story] I'd love the chance to get face to face with this sorry excuse for a human and let him know just how he is very personally screwing over my struggling, hard working family with his whoring to the interests of the insurance lobby, but like Fidel Castro or any other dictator, Bush doesn't want to have to come face to face with anything telling him what he doesn't want to hear. In fact, the White House has issued an entire manual on how their goons should handle dissent. A White House manual that came to light recently gives presidential advance staffers extensive instructions in the art of "deterring potential protestors" from President Bush's public appearances around the country. Among other things, any event must be open only to those with tickets tightly controlled by organizers. Those entering must be screened in case they are hiding secret signs. Any anti-Bush demonstrators who manage to get in anyway should be shouted down by "rally squads" stationed in strategic locations. And if that does not work, they should be thrown out. [full article] I love how right wingers vent their spleens when Hugo Chavez pulls this undemocratic bullshit yet whenever Bush does it the excuses come flying, mostly starting with their magical 3 words that to them excuse every last misdeed: "but Bill Clinton..." If it's wrong when Chavez does it, it's wrong when Bush does it and it was wrong when and IF Bill Clinton did it though still completely irrelevant.

drug treatment

Picture this hypothetical situation... you have a loved one who got rich and famous very quickly at a very young age. She was a good girl, but started hanging out with a bad crowd and before you know it she's showing up in the tabloids all the time stumbling drunk and underage out of Hollywood nightclubs and then getting behind the wheel of a car. Cops keep finding cocaine on her, and as she goes into a phony treatment program to heel her image, you later find out that she had been drinking and drugging in rehab. She needs real drug treatment real fast before she becomes another River Phoenix, dead of an overdose just at the start of a very promising career. If this were your loved one, you might want to go with a referral service like the one linked in the last sentence rather than letting her publicist pick some fake program just for positive press. Despite the obvious snark of this post, addiction is serious business and addicts need all the help they can get. DISCLOSURE: This post is sponsored by 4rehabilitation.com (note: sorry about the mess at the bottom of this post - my sponsor requires this post's title to be a link, and blogger doesn't handle that very well when parsing blogtitle strings in links)

George W. Bush's Iraq War Freedom Cake

I got the following from a very cool blog that I came across called "My Right Wing Dad." Not to be confused with my real life dad's blog, this is a depository of those obnoxious right wing email forwards that somehow manage to wind up in your inbox from friends and relatives who just don't know any better. This is a rare forward that is left-leaning and would be funny if it weren't so true. George W. Bush's Iraq War Freedom Cake (Extra Rich Recipe) Preheat a gas oven to 911 F. In a small bowl mix together one unfairly selected president, a vice president with corporate ties and a neo-conservative agenda. In a large pan, take the grief from a tragic national incident and place on stove, turning heat to high. Scramble the truth and slowly add grief while whipping war on terrorism and axis of evil propaganda until firmly set. Carefully fold in lies and confusion. (For darker recipe, use a black National Security Advisor and Secretary of State to distract from racist implications of the war while placing AIDS, unemployment and the black community on a back burner.) Divide country and cut all dissenters of war into small pieces. Separate those who fit the war's racist profiling and freeze anti-war discourse. Drain international goodwill and taxpayer's money to fund war. (If you can't find any weapons of mass destruction, you may substitute the liberation of the Iraqi people instead.) Cover (up) all dead U.S. troops and Iraqi casualties while thickening combined batter with grandiose statements like "Mission Accomplished" and "Bring it On." Grease pans generously with oil from Iraq and cover finished cake with American and Iraqi blood. Serves none. By Max Gordon

Mortgage-o-rama!

I don't know a whole lot about mortgages, but what I do know is that if you're in the position to buy a home, now is the time to buy one because the housing market is tanking. Hell, if you can afford the investment, now is the time to buy as much property as you can get. And in order to buy property, you are going to probably need a mortgage. It's going to be a very long time before I'm ever in the market to buy property, so hopefully the market will tank again at a convenient time for me to buy. Did you know that you can compare mortgages online? I don't really follow the markets, but it's hard to miss that there's been some bad stuff happening on Wall Street and it has something to do with variable rate mortgages, so I think what you probably want to do is get fixed rate mortgages at a low rate. If the rates get lower, it's possible to refinance. If you want to buy rental properties (also a good time for that), you might want to check out Buy to Let Mortgages. So, what have we learned today? Now is the time to buy property. To buy property you need a mortgage. And if you're going to get a mortgage, you should compare online and get a good fixed rate. DISCLOSURE: This post is sponsored by nationsfinance.co.uk

Monday Roundup

First off, I'd like to offer a big congratulations to Bella for winning the blog off. This competition was a much smaller group of very good writers, and Bella outblogged us. This contest was a fundraiser for Courtney's 3 Day Walk for The Cure, and even if you missed the contest, you still have another week or so to make a pledge, so please do what you can for a very important cause. Secondly, I'd like to congratulate Ellie on the birth of her daughter. Here's to a speedy and healthy recovery and return to the blogging world. Thirdly, I'd like to direct your attention to a couple of videos that I had to back-post in order to not have any 2 sponsored posts in a row. Sometimes I feel like a total sellout by hawking stuff on my blog for pay, but these days every extra buck I can bring in sure comes in handy. So in order to comply with the terms of service of my advertisers, I needed some extra posts, and what's quicker and easier than posting a couple of YouTube videos? But these aren't just any YouTube videos. These videos are ridiculously funny and completely not safe for work. Recently old wrestling superstar Iron Sheik was on Howard Stern and they had some fun riling him up. Here's clip one, here's clip two. Enjoy. Lastly, something good from something bad. On Saturday we took Stella to the Botanical Gardens at Tilden Park in Berkeley. We had a great time, but came back to find the drivers side window of our car smashed out and the only thing missing was the diaper bag from the trunk. Anne's purse was in the bag with all of her ID and cards and such, as well as her cell phone. We spent about an hour on the scene with the park police and Stella behaved herself incredibly. She doesn't like being stuck in one place for too long, but she didn't even fuss. Later that night I called Anne's phone and got an answer. The guy on the other end said that he was homeless and crashing in a hotel in Vallejo with a friend and the phone was in the room and started ringing and I wasn't sure what to think because I was shaken from being robbed and worried that this guy had all of our numbers, but he did sound genuinely upset that somebody would steal a diaper bag. I took his number and we agreed that I'd try to get out his way to get the phone, but I really didn't think I'd ever see the phone again or hear from him. To my surprise, the next morning he called our house, said that he was in our town and that I could come grab our phone. I was definitely nervous because who knew if this guy was the same guy who robbed us and was setting me up to be mugged or followed home or whatever, so I put a knife in my pocket and nervously went out to meet him at a Burger King, wondering if I was going to have to stab somebody in self defense (let alone whether I could actually go through with that) and if that was worth it for a phone. When I got there, he gave me the phone with no question and wouldn't even accept the $20 I offered him for returning it. I tried to insist and he wouldn't take it or even let me buy him breakfast or a cup of coffee. He said it was the right thing to do, wished me and my family well, and walked off. After being robbed like that, it's easy to lose faith in my fellow man, but this guy's kindness really helped me to remember that there are good people out there.

Blogoff Season Finale: Dichotomy

This is the 3rd and final post in round 3 of the blog-off for Breast Cancer. See the bottom of this post for details on how you can help. As much as I may have complained about some of the word choices I've been forced to write about in this contest, much of that complaining has been pure shtick. But this time I'm having a hell of a time for real. "Dichotomy" is not a word that I typically use, let alone think about. So between working, toddler wrangling, having my first shoot with my new camera, and being really sick (did I mention that I've come under a nasty little head cold in the last few days and the only kind of medicine that makes me feel any better also completely tweaks me out?) I've tried to wrap my mind around turning this word into a blog post. And I'm really having a bitch of a time with it. The first thing that came to me was how the real lives of some of the funniest people in comedy can be very dark. But while thinking about Richard Jenni's suicide, Artie Lange's addictions and Bob Levy living in his ex wife's basement trolling the internet for young girls, all I could focus on was the refrain from the song Tears of a Clown over and over in my head so I quickly abandoned that topic. Then I got to thinking about dichotomies in politics, and how to write about one without coming off like the usual angry ranting lunatic that I sound like when I get all political. And then I realized that my own love-hate relationship with politics is a dichotomy of its own. But I couldn't think of anything good to write about that either. That's the problem with these cold medicines made with one of the raw ingredients of methamphetamine. The mind spews out a bunch of rapid-fire ideas too quickly to grasp the right one and run with it. But it's the only thing that makes my head not feel like it weighs a million pounds. I suppose that my current state of being, where I can either have a clear mind and a runny nose or a clear nose and a runny mind could be considered a dichotomy too. * * * This blog may be irreverent and silly and sometimes even downright stupid, but breast cancer is some serious business and this post is part of the Blog-off for Breast Cancer. Please click the banner above to make a pledge for Courtney's 3 Day Walk. And check out the other great bloggers who are taking part in this great fundraising blogging event: Bella - Patti - Ryan - Nathan

Another Voice Against War in Iraq

Check out the following transcript: Once you got to Iraq and took it over, took down Saddam Hussein's government, then what are you going to put in its place? That's a very volatile part of the world, and if you take down the central government of Iraq, you could very easily end up seeing pieces of Iraq fly off: part of it, the Syrians would like to have to the west, part of it -- eastern Iraq -- the Iranians would like to claim, they fought over it for eight years. In the north you've got the Kurds, and if the Kurds spin loose and join with the Kurds in Turkey, then you threaten the territorial integrity of Turkey. It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq. The other thing was casualties. ... And the question for the president, in terms of whether or not we went on to Baghdad, took additional casualties in an effort to get Saddam Hussein, was how many additional dead Americans is Saddam worth? I await those brave patriotic republican blog warriors of the 101st Fighting Keyboard Division to jump all over this guy who must be some kind of America-hating, troop-spitting hippie defeatist. Whoever it was, it must have been somebody unqualified to even talk about such delicate matters of foreign policy just spouting off their mouth! So which far left limousine liberal said this? Was it some actor like Alec Baldwin, or musician like those Rage Against the Machine guys, or perhaps one of those annoying documentarians like Michael Moore? I'm not going to tell you. You'll have to click here to find out.

Attitude Schmattitued!

This is the second of three posts in round 3 of the blogoff for breast cancer. See the bottom of this post for more info. Today's word is "Attitude." I'm really at a loss as to what to write about this word in a humorous way which is strange since I usually try to channel my bad attitude into humor. Nobody would want to be around me if I were this angry and bitter and cynical without being funny and self deprecating about it. Yet I can't really find anything all that funny about the fact that I'm like that. I don't know why, but I find it incredibly hard to have a good attitude. I have a pretty good life, but there are still so many things that just piss me right the hell off. Some people find me lovably neurotic when I'm like that, while others just hate to be around me. Most of the time I'm a fairly jovial guy, but as soon as things get a little bit stressful or overwhelming or if I perceive mistreatment, I turn into the Incredible Hulk, only instead of green and muscular, I'm loud and spastic and more often than not quite vulgar. It's mostly the little things that get under my skin. Another car honks on the road and I assume they're honking at me and I'm ready to rumble. A store clerk or customer service person tells me something I don't want to hear and I immediately think they're out to screw me over and I go into attack mode. I also have serious problems with authority. I don't like being told what to do unless there's a damn good reason for it. I don't like arbitrary rules just for the sake of rules. If somebody is in a position of authority over me and don't treat me with respect, I do whatever I can to undermine their authority and knock them off their pedestal, from my last boss to the current resident of the White House. I hold grudges and stew about them for a very long time. There are landlords from over ten years ago who screwed me out of my deposit who I still to this day have revenge fantasies about. And I've been boycotting the only place to get coffee within walking distance to my job because the owner was a jerk to me when I was doing some design work for him. If any of the names of any of these people ever come up, the profanities start flying. And I'm still concocting revenge schemes for the people I used to work for. The thing is, I know my life would probably be a lot easier if I had a better attitude, but part of me thinks that my bad attitude gives me an edge. Are people who have all of their issues worked out as funny as people with the right combination of personality flaws? Is being funny more important than having a healthier frame of mind? I don't know, and I'm not sure if I care. I am who I am and if you don't like it you can go fu... oops, there I go again. * * * This blog may be irreverent and silly and sometimes even downright stupid, but breast cancer is some serious business and this post is part of the Blog-off for Breast Cancer. Please click the banner above to make a pledge for Courtney's 3 Day Walk. And check out the other great bloggers who are taking part in this great fundraising blogging event: Bella - Patti - Ryan - Nathan

Toys for your Phones

So you've got one of those fancy cell phones that does a whole lot more than just let you talk to people? And of course you just love those social networking sites. And you want to combine the two and be able to interface it all with your computer? (Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter! - no you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!) Well look no further than CellFish.com! I went through the signup process in under a minute, and uploaded this photo: Now you or I can add that photo to our own phones. I just did it in under 30 seconds. While my new phone of mine surfs the web and checks email, it does not take pictures, so this is just what I needed to share pictures of my adorable daughter with people wherever I am (since carrying printed photographs is like so 20th century). But this site isn't just about photo sharing. There are also lots of Free Ringtones, videos, and pictures you can grab for your phone. It's all very easy and fun. Most of the stuff on there is free, but you can also pay for premium content. I was able to get a couple of silly Free Ringtones and wallpapers for my phone. When I'm bored out of my skull riding the bus, you can bet this is where I'm going to be, looking for more silly stuff for my phone. I also think it might be fun to make some ringtones. I've got a whole year's worth of Howard Stern shows that would make perfect ringtones. Just think of Beetlejuice, or High Pitch Eric, or any number of Baba Booey or Robin songs, or Gilbert's ridiculous laugh, or the recent Iron Sheik appearance blaring out of your phone and offending any passersby!

More of that Crazy Sheik

It should go without saying that these clips are not safe for work. In this clip, Richard and Sal pretend to be the Ultimate Warrior and Randy Macho Man Savage respectively and continue to taunt the Iron Sheik. Notice how Sal immediately goes into racist material.

Keep on Backing that Data Up

There's nothing worse than losing your data. You've spent a lot of time writing, or coding, or photoshopping, on doing whatever else it is you do on your computer, and the idea that all of it can be gone in a second if something goes wrong is terrifying. In this day and age of digital photography, the idea of losing all of your photos is particularly bad. You keep saying that your system is running just fine and you've got nothing to worry about, and that you'll get around to finding a backup solution one of these days, but you never do. And then all of a sudden lighting hits a telephone pole and it fries your whole computer and you've got nothing. But you don't want to buy one of those external backup drives, and don't want to try messing with some of the confusing software that comes with these devices. You don't want to have to remember to switch tapes from time to time with a tape backup. You want something you can set up and forget about. That's why Online Backup solutions like IBackup are really the way to go. They've got plans to suit the needs and budgets of home users to small businesses to larger businesses with different levels of space and features. Disclosure: This post is sponsored by IBackup