Breasts: A Historical Study - Blogoff Week 3

Well it's another week and time for the second to last post in this blogoff, and once again I am finding myself incredibly challenged by the word of the week. It's not because it's a hard word to write about, but because I already used my best material on the subject in last week's post. This week's word is "breasts" and I guess you could say that I've already blown my load on breasts, but that might sound a little dirty so please just forget that I wrote that. After already divulging my embarrassing story of teenage boobie fumbling, I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to expand upon this topic. Of course when all else fails, it's time to drop some serious scholarly shit down, so I present to you this historical study of breasts. The Classical Period: There are many creation myths out there that try to explain the human breast. There is obviously no question to their function. All mammals feed their children with milk that they produce. But the conundrum that has plagued philosophers throughout the ages is about their form, in particular why something with such a basic biological function would look so nice. I believe it was the lesser known Roman philosopher Brazierious Maximus who pondered "why is it that the child's drinking fount must be so damned hot looking to grown men," and then devoted the rest of his life engrossed in studies to answer that question. Unfortunately, he died of suffocation while exploring for answers deep in the cleavage of one particularly amply bosomed test subject. Despite the lack of answers and the years of wasted research, the pleasing form of the breast was celebrated in many sculptures, though the same cannot be said for arms (see study materials below). The Dark Ages: During this part of history, breasts were mostly hidden from view. In fact, many people simply forgot that they even existed until they were rediscovered during... The Renaissance: Inspired by feelings of joi de vivre by people who survived the plague, a new era was ushered in where arts and science began to flourish in Europe. During this period of rebirth, breasts and other body parts were free to be celebrated in marble and on canvas. And there was much rejoicing, until... America: Whenever something fun is going on, you can always count on religious extremists to put the kibosh on it. As the people in Europe got sick and tired of these Puritans getting all self righteous on them, they did what any somewhat free post-feudal monarchy society would do. They gave the Puritans a choice to either shut up about it or go start their own damn country if they hated the country they were in so much. To their joy and surprise, the Puritans up and left. But when the Puritans arrived in the New World, they were dismayed to see the uncovered breasts of the native population with their clothing optional society. So they did what any good religious folk would do. They gave them a choice to either cover up or die. We all know the outcome of this, and never again was a bare breast seen in public in America again until... Superbowl XXXVIII: Due to a wardrobe malfunction, all of America was exposed to Janet Jackson's bare breast, leading to a complete breakdown of society as we know it, at least according to the FCC and many republican lawmakers. And there you have it, the complete history of the breast. Despite the fact that I have thoroughly covered every conceivable bit of information on this subject, here are some supplemental study aids to prepare you for the test that will be given in the comments section of this post: An example of breasts in classical art An example of breasts in renaissance art The horrific events of the Superbowl 38 Halftime Show and the resulting fallout. And for further discussion on the topic, here's a video of two leading experts discussing the subject of breasts. Please feel free to discuss this topic in the comments, but please be mature about it. I don't want any talk of pudding cups, fun bags, juggs, udders, knockers, hooters, tits, titties, cans, breastices, breasticles, boobies, gazongas, ta tas or sweater puppies. This is supposed to be educational, dammit! * * * This blog may be irreverent and silly and sometimes even downright stupid, but breast cancer is some serious business and this post is part of the Blog-off for Breast Cancer. Please click the banner above to make a pledge for Courtney's 3 Day Walk. And check out the other great bloggers who are taking part in this great fundraising blog event here.