We live in a small apartment complex, much like Melrose Place, where the apartments surround a courtyard (but no pool). About a year ago, our new neighbors moved in and they had this cat who was formerly homeless. They let the cat come and go as he pleased and he was very sweet with all of the neighbors. He’d wait in the parking lot for anybody to come along and pet him. He’d come into apartments if the opportunity presented itself. More recently another couple moved in, and they have a cat who also comes and goes as he pleases, waits for people in the parking lot and tries to get into our apartments. But this cat is kind of evil. One time he meowed in front of our door until my wife let him in. He got right in her lap and demanded to be pet, and then when she stopped petting him, he hissed and scratched her. When I started mentioning that to the other neighbors with the nice cat, before I even had a chance to tell them what happened, they were all like “oh, you mean that bi-polar cat?” Apparently being incredibly needy for attention and then attacking when he hasn’t gotten enough of it is his MO. So that cat is now known as Scratchy (though after seeing Kick Ass, I really like the name Mr. Bitey). And since the other one is a bit on the raggedy side, the only logical name for him was Itchy. As if this cat didn’t have enough obvious indicators of not being quite right in the head, Scratchy wears a full harness, not just a collar but a full freakin’ harness like this one, all the time. We thought about why this was came to believe that’s because the only way a vet will see this cat is if he’s good and secure and that they just leave it on because it’s easier and safer than trying to get it on and off.

So Scratchy is a total stalker. He’s got a really annoying and grating meow. Whenever I come out of the apartment, he’ll dart out from somewhere and give me that whiny meow. I love cats but I will not reach down and pet this one. Last night he tried getting into our apartment, whining at our screen door for a really long time. My wife asked me to go water the plants outside and I didn’t want to because psycho kitty was out there. I was walking by the laundry room the other day and one of my other neighbors was loading the washer with Scratchy rubbing up on his legs to the point where if he moved he was going to trip. Another time I was sitting in the courtyard when Scratchy just got up in my lap and demanded petting. At that point I was a little bit frightened to get him off my lap, but I gently got him down and he quickly reached up with his claws on my legs like he was trying to sharpen them on a couch. He did the same thing to my wife yesterday.

What does one do with a kitty who is a bit off? These neighbors totally keep to themselves and don’t really talk to anyone. Should we be worried that they’re experimenting, breeding a new feline-based weapon of mass annoyance? It’s always those quiet types who are up to no good.

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