Ten minutes. That is how long my wife and I made it through Twilight: New Moon before we both decided it was not worthy of our time. I was fully prepared to ignore this whole series of books and films just on the knowledge that it was all about emo teenage vampires. But my wife wanted me to download the first one just so we could see what they hype was about and it wasn’t horrible. Yeah, instead of bursting into flames like any halfway respectable vampires, these vampires sparkle in the sun (bullshit!!!). And yeah, they’re moody and whiny and not really all that evil (like some of the Anne Rice vamps only even wussier). But as far as dumbed down teenybopper supernatural stuff goes, it didn’t suck (until the way too emo ending).

So we sat through moody ass whatzerface waking up from a dream where she’s an old lady while Edward is the same age (insert Matthew McConnauhey in Dazed and Confused reference here)  and with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer she’s being all moody about it being her birthday, then  slow-mo shots of Edward walking toward her in the parking lot, and then the awkward bit with the werewolf guy, and then back to Edward reciting Shakespeare in class. After a failed birthday party at casa de vamp where her paper cut almost set off a feeding frenzy, she starts whining to Edward about wanting to be a vampire and he starts going into some boring bit about who knows what and we just shut it off right there and watched some Community reruns instead.

True Blood can’t come back soon enough to wash away the taste of lame vampires. In the meantime, I’m probably going to have to see From Dusk Till Dawn, or Near Dark, or any Dracula movie with Christopher Lee from the 70′s, or even Blackula or Love at First Bite.

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